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ranking-the-kirby-and-the-forgotten-land-enemies-by-how-much-i-don-t-want-to-kill-them
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Ranking The Kirby And The Forgotten Land Enemies By How Much I Don't Want To Kill Them Nintendo Life They're ALL friend-shaped by Share: In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, .
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J
Today, Kate takes a stand against the morality of murdering cute little guys in Kirby... I've been playing a lot of recently, and though it's not exactly super challenging in terms of mechanical difficulty, it's extremely challenging in terms of morality. You see, Kirby is a little pink ball of indeterminate species, and his friends — the Waddle Dees — are also little squashy shape-ish things, which look like a different but similar species.
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E
It's very hard to tell what exactly counts as "friendly squashy thing" and "evil enemy squashy thing" beyond simply asking yourself, "are they currently trying to kill you?" Even then, I'm not sure if I should kill them right back. Are these other creatures actually "bad"? They were all peacefully co-existing before Kirby turned up and consumed them, after all.
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Z
Am I, as Kirby, imposing some kind of dreadful order on a happily chaotic world, all in pursuit of turning this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee Town? Am I some kind of war criminal? In the interest of soothing my conscience, I have put together a ranking list of all the Kirby enemies, with F-Tier being "nah, these guys deserve to die" and S-Tier being "the people who choose to slay these cuties are actual monsters".
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I would invite you all to send a print-out of this article to HAL Laboratory to beg them for mercy.
F TIER These Guys Deserve To Die
Gnawcodile
I feel like I'm starting out quite mean, because the Gnawcodile really doesn't want to initiate a fight if he can help it. These large lads patrol around islands and are not inhalable or beatable — you can only avoid them, but if you swim too close, they'll chomp on you.
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H
Technically, if you run over them with a boat, they'll be no issue for you, but I feel like Kirby — a literal god — should be able to take on a crocodile.
Shotzo
They're just guns with legs. I don't know how they came to be — maybe their mother was a slightly bigger gun — but they are one of nature's mistakes.
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M
The only redeeming thing about them is their cute little legs, but that's no excuse. Mosquitoes have little legs too, and they suck in every way it is possible to suck.
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J
Image:
Mookie
Honestly, any enemy that's based on the creepy grimacing monkey-with-a-cymbal toy/torture device can get right in the bin.br
E TIER I Don t Feel Bad About This
Balloon-Meister
I think this may be a personal vendetta, but I hate Balloon-Meister, the bomb-throwing sea lion, more than I imagine most people do. It's because I love seals: They're round and squishy and extremely stupid, and they spend all day lying down on beaches and yelling.
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M
They're fantastic! Sea lions, on the other hand, are weird and shiny and not as squishy. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with the squashy loaves and there's always a bloody sea lion there, with his massive flippers and lean body, balancing a ball on his nose like that makes it okay.
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No! It does not! You are not seals, and I resent you for it.
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D
Image:
Mumbie
Mumbies are scary! They follow you around the level with their creepy red eyes and I hate them. I'm sorry, but these guys should go back to their sarcophagi and leave Kirby alone.
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V
Their only redeeming feature is that they are round, which is a good shape.
Kabu
It's hard to feel too bad about murdering enemies that seem like inanimate objects, or at the very least, not sentient ones. Kabu is everywhere in the Forgotten Land, and while I feel a little bad for him being used as a filler enemy that's pretty easy to kill, I don't feel bad about being the one to kill him.
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H
He is a sandcastle.
Poison Croakom
I haven't fought this guy yet, but he does not look pleasant. He looks like he is angry about the length of a queue, or like he is the kind of person that tells people off for eating bananas in public.
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Z
Also, he is covered in poison. This is the kind of character that would call the police on trick-or-treaters. I hate him.
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H
Image:
Spookstep
I have also not fought this guy, but there aren't many ghost-type pursuing enemies that I'm on board with. Listen, you're already dead! Leave me alone, or you'll get double-deaded!
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Image:
Sssnacker
You might think, "how bad could a snake be? He is just a snake, and snakes are nice." I agree with you! Snakes are cool!
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But I think Sssnacker belongs in the E Tier for one reason in particular: DIGESTING THINGS IS *MY* THING. Back off, snakey boy. Image:
Twister
It's just a bit of wind, innit?
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I don't feel bad about killing the wind.
br
D TIER Meh No Big Loss
Big Kabu
Kabu is E Tier because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face.
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M
Big Kabu is D Tier because she is a mother to the Kabu (which come out of her mouth). Killing mothers is ethically slightly worse than killing... their children...
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A
right? Oh goodness.
Digguh br
I like moles.
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S
This guy is a bit of a scary mole, though — and also, he keeps trying to kill me with his drill. Plus, and I'm sorry for saying this, his design isn't that cute. Image:
Phanta
Another bloody ghost that won't leave you alone.
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J
This one is at least cuter than the others, so he gets bumped up to D Tier.
Tortorner
He's just a turtle who got stuck in a bit of concrete.
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E
I feel a little bad about killing him, mostly because you have to do it by driving a spike into his shell, and then into his soft body, but he started it by trying to bite me. Image:
Totenga
What if a cactus hated you? That's the question that Totenga poses.
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M
I haven't fought him yet, but I don't particularly care if he lives or dies, because when I was a kid, a cactus fell into my bed while I was asleep, and I had to pick spikes out of my skin for days. Do not ask questions about why there was a cactus near my bed! CAN A CHILD NOT SLEEP NEXT TO A CACTUS WITHOUT BEING AFRAID?
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Continue on to Page Two to see the C Tier all the way to S Tier, which will take you from "vaguely humanoid, uncomfortable to kill" all the way up to "WHAT MONSTER WOULD SLAY THIS CREATURE?!"... Related Games Share: About Formerly of Official Nintendo Magazine, GameSpot, and Xbox UK, you can now find Kate's writing all over the internet.
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She moved to Canada a few years ago, but gets tea imported from England, because she has good priorities. Comments ) That's how they get you. They were made so their cuteness distracts you.
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Fight the urge. Kill them all. I feel like awoofy should be S tier pure evil cuteness I do feel bad at times for flattening enemies with the Hammer ability, especially when it's to Sleeping Awoofies or Awoofies minding their own businesses or having lunch in the first shopping mall level.
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O
I was already struggling to come to terms with the cute doggos being the basic enemy, and the second I heard their official name was 'Awoofy', I just couldn't bring myself to do the deed and off them. When I get Forgotten Land, it'll probably be a lot of skirting around the adorable creatures.
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M
Kirby is funny in this way. Even the tree was just hanging out. br Sure, maybe a bad guy showed up, but that doesn't mean you go on a murdering spree of all the innocents woodland creatures and wreak havok on your way to said bad guy.
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L
br Still a blast for kids though. To soon for this article. I’ve only played the Demo at present!
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E
Awoofies deserve to live!! br All they ever do is nap, have cake dates, and walk to work.
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T
Kirby is a monster Sssnackers are the absolute worst in this game, zero sympathy for killing them. Awoofies should totally be S tier though.
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K
There are articles and reviews about how hard they are to kill! I never seem to notice Cappys even exist so I often don't kill them.
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M
They're just part of the plantlife. Awoofys I want to slaughter, they're so annoying always getting underfoot and sometimes there are too many to conveniently jump over. Those dogs love to make me fall off cliffs during treasure roads time trials.
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A
When Kirby fights the dogs it's poof vs floof. I literally LOL at this, "They're ALL friend-shaped" I feel complimented by Kate's description of "Scarfy". I've always appreciated having binocular vision, but Scarfy's "demon" manifestation (REAL SMT GAME?) is a compelling argument for stylish cyclopeanism.
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K
I kill them all. Kirby only has symphony for his friends. Kirby is an ecosystem’s worst nightmare I had a feeling this would be a Kate article (; EDIT: There’s an enemy called Cappy?
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L
Nintendo made two characters named Cappy? And this one looks like a Toad? br So why was there a cactus next to your bed anyways?
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Z
Kate, I’m making dinner and haven’t read your article yet, but thank you for summing up exactly how my daughters and I feel about the game. Don’t kill that doggo! Don’t kill the sea turtle!!
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R
DON’T KILL IT ANYWAY!! I avoid noddy at all costs. There's no way I'd kill one , even to gain its glorious ability.
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A
Very good list. Almost makes me want to restart my playthrough so I don't kill any Awoofy.
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H
There's an in-game global stat tracker that measures how may awoofies are killed and it's like at 14 million. I always thought about this.
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G
Beating up all these cute creatures in these games. Maybe Kirby is just a big jerk. ...Where's Gordo?
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K
Also, the bosses, lol When I saw that first trailer, I thought 'no those can't be bad guys... Kirby, no, don't...' But hey, this coming from someone who can no longer play monster hunter because I felt I was invading the home of a living creature and beat them up until they limp to their nest, attack them in their sleep, kill or capture them, and no matter which, cut parts of them to make tools to do it again. I felt the monster playing it.
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C
I played the demo of Kirby, and when I attacked a sleeping creature that cute, I felt bad. Cute or not shouldn't even matter. Most of us aren't cute, arguably even not remotely good, and I still wouldn't beat you up.
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E
For all those that hate hurting the cute critters don’t worry they revive! Seriously you could suck up and swallow bandana dee in super star ultra and he’s still alive! Also I feel like I would get crucified if I admit to killing the sleeping waddle dees in epic yarn.
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E
:/ I prefer GBA/DS style for Kirby. 2D enemies doesn’t look to friendly then the 3D enemies. When the awoofy run at me I just want to welcome them with a big hug and have them lick my face, all in slow motion like a dog food commercial.
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A
I feel this article. I haven’t played this game yet, but I always feel bad about killing slimes in Dragon Quest.
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I
Kabu looks like it is perpetually stuck trying to say OK and it never gets to the K, so it’s just saying a continuous OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Haven't fought them yet?? C'mon all of Twitter has already 100%'d the game. Hop to it, chop chop!
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S
I keep telling y’all Kirby is the bad guy. It’s basically Nintendo’s version of GTA. Kate, this is brilliantly written and such a fun take.
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O
Congratulations on what is one of the most original and entertaining articles I have ever read. Thank you. Unless you’re dealing with Sonic 4 Hire’s Kirby.
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L
br Kirby: (Murders a Noddy with the parasol he just received) “This umbrella works wonders for murdering!” Kirby is not a bad guy at all. Just the cute protagonist of a very cute platformer series.
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A
It can not be helped. I don't know why but I just want to hurt everything that crosses Kirby's path. I don't think the suplex ability is in this game, and it's a good thing for the enemies it isn't, or I'd be piledriving and powerbombing every enemy to hell.
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B
I want to protect Sssnacker at all costs. super cutie snek~ I'm the one who originally scanned that Foley artwork from a Japanese Kirby: Squeak Squad guidebook and posted it on (FANDOM) Kirby Wiki back in 2014.
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The current version was transparentized by another editor. Always happy to help. =P Last night I reached a level where a couple of Awoofies were just minding their own business, playing with a ball.
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H
I killed them and their ball. Because Kirby is an Unstoppable Demon God Of Death.
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E
If you just destroy his hat and leave him be, poor Cappy just stands there with a sad look on his face. I’m glad it’s not just me, I always leave the sleeping ones alone unless I’m trying to figure out the secret mission objectives and think they might be related.
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N
Same with that level where the enemies are just chilling around tables eating. There’s also a level where there’s a bunch of sleeping enemies in a hidden area with a pile of food in the corner. Even though I needed some health, I left their food stash alone.
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W
What a heartwarming article. Thank you, Kate!
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L
Couldn't agree more! …So no-one here committed mass genocide then?
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E
Because that’s what I do in every single game. Awoofy needs to be in a tier of its very own ...
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H
I kinda feel like I need a plushy Leave A Comment Hold on there, you need to to post a comment...
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