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%Begin Love Languages 101: History, Uses, and How to Find Yours Everyday Health MenuNewslettersSearch Emotional Health
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If you learn to understand your partner’s love language, you will strengthen your communication and ultimately your relationship. Read on for the scoop on this concept, including how to find yours and put it into practice.
The History of the 5 Love Languages
The idea that people show and receive love in five different ways was developed in the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, PhD.
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Dr. Chapman is the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
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The 5 Love Languages hit bookstores in 1992, but since then, there have been updated editions and versions focused on men, singles, military couples, and more.
What Are the 5 Love Languages
The five love languages framework aims to help couples hear and say “I love you” by recognizing expressions of love from their partner and showing love themselves in ways their partner can appreciate. Even if you can relate to different expressions of love, Chapman believes that we all have a primary language that speaks to us the most.
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Before delving deeper into love languages, let’s outline each one.
1 Gifts
You show and feel love through presents. These can be small tokens or bigger items.
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2 Acts of Service
You demonstrate your affection with thoughtful gestures, such as cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or filling the car with gas. When others do the same for you, you feel loved.3 Words of Affirmation
You most appreciate giving and receiving love through words, including compliments, praise, cheerleading, and other verbal expressions of support or admiration.
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For you, words speak louder than actions.
4 Quality Time
You feel most loved while spending meaningful, focused time with your partner.
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This may mean sharing a meal, taking a staycation, or learning a new skill together like painting, pottery, or dancing.
5 Physical Touch
You prefer to express and receive affection through physical contact.
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Think hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex.
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See all in Emotional HealthHow to Determine Your Love Language
There are some giveaway signs that you favor one love language over the others, suggests The 5 Love Languages.
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Think about how you express affection and respond to your partner’s displays of affection. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these categories.Gifts You show love and care with gifts, put extra time and effort into finding the perfect gift, and enjoy receiving gifts yourself.Acts of service You look for ways to be helpful, like finishing the chores, making dinner, or running important errands — and you appreciate when your partner does the same for you.Words of affirmation You value sharing your emotions and hearing your partner talk about theirs.
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You make an effort to offer reassurance to your partner, and compliments are a key to your heart.
Quality time You come up with a bunch of ideas about what you and your partner can do when you’re together. You appreciate it when your partner gives you their full attention without distractions.
Physical touch You like to cuddle, touch, and kiss. When you’re upset, a hug calms you down more than words.
Quality time You come up with a bunch of ideas about what you and your partner can do when you’re together. You appreciate it when your partner gives you their full attention without distractions.
Physical touch You like to cuddle, touch, and kiss. When you’re upset, a hug calms you down more than words.
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Another great way to figure out which love language you and your partner prefer is to take Chapman’s love language quiz. “This quiz is highly effective, and I recommend it to all my couples,” says Richard Heller, a trained mediator and relationship counselor in New York City.
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Advantages of the Love Languages
There’s not a lot of high-quality evidence-based research to support the use of love languages in a relationship. But, anecdotally, they may boost relationship health and satisfaction.EDITOR'S PICK9 Signs You re in a Healthy Relationship
A past study, for example, found that couples who followed Chapman’s principles tended to establish “relational maintenance” behaviors, such as openly communicating their feelings, sharing tasks and responsibilities, and maintaining mutual friendships, all of which have been linked to healthier relationships.What’s more, a 2020 survey of nearly 1,000 men and women found that people who felt their partner was using their love language well had greater levels of relationship satisfaction than those who didn’t. Participants were all cisgender, and identified as either heterosexual, lesbian, or gay.
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“Love languages are a great tool to supplement the health of a relationship,” says Jessica Small, a marriage and family counselor with Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver. “Speaking to your partner in their love language ensures that they feel loved, cared for, and important. It also creates increased opportunities for positive interactions.”
Disadvantages of the Love Languages
The love languages framework has its share of drawbacks.For one thing, The 5 Love Languages was written through a Christian lens, which may be off-putting for people who aren’t religious or who follow another faith.
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The book also focuses on monogamous, cisgender, heterosexual couples, so it may feel alienating to people in other types of relationships. Also, while Chapman describes himself as a “marriage counselor,” he is not a licensed marriage or individual counselor. He holds a doctor of philosophy (PhD) degree in adult education from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
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Finally, while it may be tempting to believe that love languages will fix a broken relationship, they are not the solution to all relationship issues. “When a couple has a basic communication problem, showing that you love them is helpful, but it will not resolve differences that are central in the relationship,” Heller says.
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Common Questions & Answers
What are the five love languages?Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time are the five love languages.How can I find out my love language?The simplest way to figure out which love language resonates with you is to take Dr. Gary Chapman’s love language quiz.Can I have more than one love language?According to The 5 Love Languages, we all have a primary love language.
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This may temporarily change when you encounter certain situations in life — like becoming a parent or losing a loved one — but you’ll likely return to your preferred language once that situation passes. For example, even if your primary love language is acts of service, you might want long hugs to help you cope with the death of a family member.What's the most common love language?The most-loved love language depends on whom you ask.
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Various outlets and organizations have done their own research, including the dating app Hinge. In 2018, they analyzed user info and found that quality time was by far the most common love language. Meanwhile, Chapman analyzed the results of 10,000 people who took his online quiz in December 2010 and found that the most popular love language was words of affirmation.Are love languages applicable in nonromantic relationships?You can use love languages in any relationship — romantic or otherwise.
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The framework can apply to couples, children, friends, family, coworkers, and even the way you show love to yourself.
How to Use Love Languages in Your Romantic Relationship
Once you know which love language resonates with your partner, you can find ways to practice it to show them love. And don’t worry if you and your partner have different love languages, says Small: “Most partners in a couple have different love languages; the key is to focus on giving love in the way your partner receives it, not the way you do.” Here are some suggestions from Heller and Small to get you started.
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Gifts
Pick up their favorite snack or treat when you’re at the store.Make them a personalized playlist.Give your partner a framed photo from a trip you took together.Surprise them with coffee or breakfast in bed.Acts of Service
Brew them some fresh coffee in the morning.Make a dinner reservation.Pick up groceries and cook a meal.Schedule a massage for them.Words of Affirmation
Give a sincere compliment.Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner, unprompted.Share a poem or quote.Send a text message thanking them for something they did for you.Quality Time
Turn off notifications or put your phone away when you spend time together.Plan a date night or weekend away.Go for a walk together after dinner.Physical Touch
Hold their hand.Greet them with a hug the next time you see them.Cuddle when you watch a movie.Offer a massage.
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How to Use Love Languages in Your Nonromantic Relationships
The love languages apply to all relationships, not just romantic relationships. “The fact is, everyone likes to be loved,” Heller says.
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To use the love languages framework in a nonromantic relationship, first observe how someone shows that they care for you. This will tell you their love language and what forms of affection will resonate most.
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For example, does your friend typically coordinate your get-togethers? Reciprocate with an act of service, like making the dinner reservations the next time you meet up. Does your coworker pick up coffee for you without being asked?
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Take them out to lunch to return the gift.
How to Use Love Languages for Self-Care
It's just as important to show yourself some love as it is to show love to your loved ones — and Heller and Small both note that the love languages framework can apply to your self-care routine. “Human beings literally cannot love others without loving themselves first,” says Heller.
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“In order to love qualities in others, we first recognize what those qualities are somewhere else. Guess where?
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In ourselves!”
Once we identify our love language, he adds, it becomes much easier to take time to love and care for ourselves. When we take time to engage in self-care practices that are specific to our needs, we reap health benefits, too.
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A study published in April 2019 in the BMJ suggested that people who followed self-care practices were more likely to make informed decisions about their health and healthcare, and had increased choice, accessibility, and affordability in these areas. To reap the self-care benefits of the five love languages, Small recommends exploring how each might translate to expressions of self-love.
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For example, if your love language is acts of service, she suggests outsourcing household tasks that bog you down (like cleaning or cooking). Or, if you need to spend some quality time by yourself, consider treating yourself to a spa day.
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Read on for some more inspiration for applying the love languages to self-care. GiftsTreat yourself to your favorite coffee drink from your local coffee shop instead of your usual home-brewed cup.Reward yourself with a professional massage or facial after a long week at work.Make room in your budget for a special treat or experience you’ve been wanting for a long time.
Acts of ServiceOrganize your work or living space.Create a to-do list to help yourself stay on top of your responsibilities.Cook yourself a nice meal.
Acts of ServiceOrganize your work or living space.Create a to-do list to help yourself stay on top of your responsibilities.Cook yourself a nice meal.
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Words of AffirmationWrite yourself a love letter.Make a list of positive affirmations to tell yourself daily.Spend time journaling about positive experiences and things you’re looking forward to.
Quality TimeTake yourself on a date to a museum, a movie, or a park.Start a meditation practice you enjoy.Find and practice a new hobby. Physical TouchGive yourself a facial or foot massage.Put on your softest, coziest PJs and curl up under a blanket when you need to relax.Take a bubble bath.
Quality TimeTake yourself on a date to a museum, a movie, or a park.Start a meditation practice you enjoy.Find and practice a new hobby. Physical TouchGive yourself a facial or foot massage.Put on your softest, coziest PJs and curl up under a blanket when you need to relax.Take a bubble bath.
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More Ways to Practice Self-Love
76 Top Self-Care Tips for Taking Care of You
There are infinite ways you can practice self-care. Here are dozens of ideas to get you started.…Learn MoreSummary
While there’s little scientific evidence behind Chapman’s 5 Love Languages theory, many people use their love languages to benefit their relationship — and you can apply the same principles to other, nonromantic relationships in your life.
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The online 5 Love Languages quiz can be a helpful starting point in finding your preferred love language.
Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking
The Love Language Quiz. The 5 Love Languages.Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman’s (1992) Five Love Languages.
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Communication Research Reports. June 2006.Using Chapman’s Five Love Languages Theory to Predict Love and Relationship Satisfaction.
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Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research. 2020.My Love Language Is Silent Condescension.
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The 5 Love Languages.This Is the Most Popular Love Language on Hinge. Bustle. November 15, 2018.This Is the Most Common of the 5 Love Languages.
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HuffPost. July 24, 2018.Narasimhan M, Allotey P, Hardon A. Self-Care Interventions to Advance Health and Well-Being: A Conceptual Framework to Inform Normative Guidance. BMJ.
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